Monday, August 20, 2012

I Thought I'd lost It

This past week I did something I never thought I would do. I knew my summer was dragging and my motivation for cleaning the house had severely dwindled. I was drowning in To-Do lists which grew larger every day. The arguing between my family members was at an all-time high and I was looking for a way out. So I did what any one would do…I went to BYU!
I saw the announcement in the Sunday sacrament program asking for volunteers and thought “what the heck, I’ll give it a try.” I signed up to host for 4 hours a day for 4 days at BYU education week. In exchange, I could go to any of the other classes for free. I had no idea what I was in for but hey, it was my ticket out. I thought for sure I would be sick to my stomach the whole time I was romping around the enemy’s territory and for the first little while I was nervous. But after the first two hours I was amazed at the spirit and the kindness of the others I served with. The first day was a little strange since the first class I hosted was about addiction and when the instructor asked how many people were recovering and so many hands went up I understood the reasons they weren’t so nice at the door. But when I got switched to another class the following day I realized the Lord had another plan for me.
While hosting the last three days I gained greater insight and understanding for others. The people entering into my classroom were from all over the U.S. and all had different agendas. Some were very kind and some were rushed. Others just wanted to rush by, some sneak by, and then there were those that were there every day diligently seeking knowledge and were so happy and gracious I wanted to almost cry when they gave me a hug or smiled and said thank you for helping them. I think that is when I turned a page.
This journey I was on was not only about me and gaining a greater knowledge of the gospel but about me sharing what light I had with others and them sharing theirs with me. I met some amazing people and went to some amazing lectures. I was able to tailor my gospel learning to what I needed most and after doing so I have grown more in the last week than I have in the last five years.
I have truly felt that I had lost my way; that I would never feel that strong overwhelming spirit guide me and teach me through gospel learning. The last five years my ward, stake, and buildings have been in constant change. We are now on our 7th ward and going on 2nd stake. We have changed ward buildings 4 times and I am still in the same house.  Add all that in and my inability to make any lasting friendships and you have one lost soul. I felt as though I was drifting away from where the spirit could reach me. I just kept the saying in my head “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."- Maya Angelou
I am still in the same house but I feel as though I have moved a million miles forward. I got a push from the Lord to do better and be better. I’m not saying I came away from there converted to BYU. In fact, on the last day, last class, the instructor was saying why he loved BYU and showed a picture of a BYU football player and I had to choke down my vomit. I know where my sports loyalties lie, GO Utes! But, the spiritual growth and learning and experiences that I gained were so overwhelming that I cannot deny that being on campus and going to those classes were where I needed to be at that time.
I thought I’d lost it but the Holy Ghost is still here guiding me and the Lord still loves me and has a plan and a place for me. My future is still not mapped out. My to-do list is still here, but my resolve and my heart is full enough to get me through what I can do today.

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