Magic

Let me just start off this post with the fact that I am Thrilled and so excited for my daughter and husband. Everything that I hoped would come to her is happening and I have an amazing spouse to make the magic happen for her. I have always dreamed that the things I wasn’t able to experience would be available for my daughter and that she would relish in the joy that can be had through dating and having parents that genuinely cared and wanted more for her than they do for themselves. I am delighted for her to have the experiences that I never had.

I guess the only sadness that I feel is the longing that I once felt. It truly hit me so hard. And it knocks me off my feet and then throws me for a loop. I thought that by giving what I couldn’t have that those feelings would disappear. I thought that by watching my daughter and having a small part in what I believed to be a magical night that I could have some of the magic too.

I guess in a way I am jealous. And it sounds so ridiculous to be jealous of my daughter. She has so much ahead of her and so many experiences that are coming that I never got to take part in, and never will. I suppose my heart wishes I could go back and fight for what I wanted and never had. I wished I had fought for acceptance from my Dad. And fought for him to love me and want more for me than he wanted for himself, to take responsibility to guide me, help me on the path of life. I wish I had a Dad that would have shown up at the door and asked me on a date just because he loved me. I guess that’s where it hurts. I spent my childhood making sure that the things that I wanted didn’t interfere with him and make his life miserable just because he had me. The one dance I got asked to I made sure that my dress was the cheapest prom dress I could find. (I loved that dress and used it till I couldn’t any more. A scrap still stays in my hope chest). I used shoes I already had and his girlfriend took me to buy jewelry. My wedding, the same. Although, my wedding was the most magical day of my life because it meant that the person I knew loved me and would go to the ends of the earth for me was covenanting to be by my side forever and love and support me forever. I sound bitter. Ugh.

I am so grateful for my spouse and am so happy for my beautiful, talented, loving daughter. Enjoy your magic!